Today has been about exploring possibilities and it has left me tired, irritated and irritable. I think I am just a bit jaded about working out what’s the best way forward. I am tired of wondering how I can make amends for my rather disastrous attempt at returning to health care practice. I should have stayed at the University – I made a mistake and I failed BUT I don’t actually regret my decision. What I am tired of is feeling guilty about what happened and annoyed with myself for not realising I was doomed in my attempt to make a difference in the health care arena. I should have stayed at what I was good at and not feel the need to get closer to patients. I am still trying to make sense of what happened in my last job and the toxic and corrosive culture that made me unhappy and distressed. There are now gaps in my CV and no references – I feel like I have to justify all of this c**k up BUT actually I want to turn it into a lesson for others.
I never felt like a “proper” academic as I didn’t get my PhD and most of my work was about learning and teaching NOT research. It’s a funny old world because I can’t help wondering what’s the point of research in professional practice unless it actually gets translated into meaningful action. We are drowning in evidence about what is best practice and what might be effective for our patients but time and time again we miss the opportunities to put these findings into practice. Practitioners don’t get the chance to find out what they might do that can improve their work and their work experience, they get bogged down in routine and ritual and we blame them for intransigence and lack of vision.
Maybe we just need to equip practitioners with a belief in themselves and the vision to see the opportunities rather than the limitations. It is too easy to limit ourselves rather than expand our horizons.
I just need to bring ideas and the literature together and then I might feel a little more settled and a lot less irritated and irritable.