I have spent last week on the Spring School at Newcastle University .. I have spent the week in a group of 8 women writers that was rewarding and exhausting.
This last week of writing has been bloody hard work and I have revisited some significant trauma from the past in the workshops and have gained insight into why this last job was so difficult right from the start. I could never have anticipated that returning to practice would have been so troublesome.. It has been an experience that instead of breaking me has enabled me to gain clarity and resources. I am still not sure what the future has for me but one thing I have learnt this week is that regret is one of the most pernicious emotions and one I am not going to waste anymore time on. It is toxic and corrosive and I have witnessed how it erodes life and any joy one might experience.
One conclusion from the week’s excavation is that we must never underestimate narcissistic leaders nor take for granted the lengths people will go to to maintain the status quo, particularly if you have irritated folk by revealing their smokescreen of mystery and subterfuge… Let that be a lesson for those people new in post who have been recruited to make changes and have been led to believe that they have the full support of their manager in shifting culture. Before taking up the post have a good look around and ask the questions about how and why the culture has developed the way it has. With the wisdom of hindsight I now realise that I never stood a chance. No one really wanted a change .. It is always good to have someone to blame and if game playing is visible and entrenched then one person can’t do it. I was set up to fail and I am grateful for my sensitivities that meant I walked away before they broke me.