When I was a Diabetes Specialist Nurse I became really interested in what was “going on” in the relationships between patients and their families and health care professionals. It seemed to me that many assumptions were being made and that if I understood some of these assumptions then maybe I would enjoy my job a bit more. Unfortunately this did not happen and my research made me more frustrated with the system I was working within and I left to work in Higher Education.
At the core of people’s experience in health care was whether they trust the professionals they interact with and whether they have confidence in their skills, knowledge and intentions. It seemed to be crucial component to the contract we have with patients in diabetes but when I interviewed health care professionals they did not mention it very much. Doctors, dietitians, psychologist talked about information, knowledge and help with life style behaviours BUT the nurses were the only ones who mentioned relationships, trust and confidence.
As I reflect on this I think about my own trust and confidence. After making a disastrous career move 2 years ago I no longer trust my decision making and have very little confidence in my own ability, skills and knowledge. I now realise that building up trust and confidence is an ongoing and very complex process. It doesn’t happen over night and it needs support and acknowledgement.
So that is what I am doing here – allowing myself to admit to having some huge doubts about my decision making and choices that I make. I wish to cultivate my confidence and am learning that my relationship with myself and others is also about trust and confidence. I don’t want special treatment due to my traumatic experience but I do wish to be robust enough to handle other people’s stuff. I find myself very sensitive to other people’s emotions and as my awareness has grown I am also beginning to be kinder and more understanding of my own stuff – that’s where it starts and is much more tricky than I had anticipated but at the same time I feel I am getting to a better place.
Some days are better than others and today has been about finding poetry and taking time out from busy thoughts. It has helped great deal, even if it is windy and hailing outside..