I’m going to come clean and admit that I have mucked up and made mistakes. I have faltered and fallen in my professional life in relation to making decisions and working with other people. I have been misdirected and have misstepped in the past. I have provided pirates with too much information that then allows them to gain promotion and publish articles and I have also allowed vampires to drain me so much that I have lost the plot and shouted.
So mea culpa as they say – hands up I admit I have f***ed up and am still trying to make sense of the hurt and harm BUT a year away from the shambles I walked away from in my disastrous career move I am not down hearted.
Many good things have come out of the mess – the car crash that was my career move, the spoilt and tarnished reputation. I can now see why it is so appealing to re-write stories – present a different version and ensure that one can become the hero of the story. I am sure there are some stories around about how I was out of my depth, a useless manager and hopeless at my job BUT I know none of that is true. I was accused of being a bully and of being emotionally unstable ( I cried a couple of times and shouted once – my mistake was not to hide it). I also know that the bullying accusations was transference and that colleagues were encouraged to fabricate stories about my distress.
I am sure some folk hearing my story will hesitate and wonder whether to believe my version of events BUT the one thing I know about stories is that you should honour the version the person is telling at the time.
I know from my interviews with people with diabetes 20 years ago that when folk retell their story there are multiple versions of the same tale. There can be different protagonists and different outcomes but they are truth telling at the time. Honesty and integrity are important but context and meaning will make a difference to the version of events told at the time.
I am sure there are folk who will not be overly impressed my version of events and think there are bits missing and more to it – it can’t have been that bad etc etc. BUT if you are going to be someone I trust and work alongside then please give me the benefit of the doubt and if you do have doubts don’t express them in front of me. I have enough inner critic for all and I don’t believe what happened to me anymore than anyone else some days. I was a fool and caught up in a delusion of wanting to make a difference – a trance of seeking external purpose and meaning. I got caught up in the need to be needed – many of us in the helping professions have this flaw.My need to be needed impaired my judgement but only for a while.
It only took 6 weeks for me to know I couldn’t stay and only 9 months to find the courage to walk away – there are many in similar positions who don’t know how to walk away from the daily distress they face. Being caught up in a cycle of co-dependency and abusive relationships can happen at work as well as in personal relationships. Sometimes we need to be bold and brave and shine a light on the murky corners of professional practice – their lie dragons and the real danger to our patients….