I have often wondered why I had to go through the nasty experience of last year and muck up my career and earnings. I have been harsh on myself at times and have chastised myself on numerous occasions about my need to rescue an organisation and my seemingly unending quest to help out other folk. BUT it isn’t a fault – it is the way I am made and I have been helping and seeking solutions since I was 10. That’s a long time and what my career hiatus has given me is the gift of time and space to reflect, learn and reflect some more on what it is all about and who I am as a 55 year old woman in this turbulent and fractured world.
In the shower this morning I realised that the issues I walked away from last year aren’t unique but universal. The behaviours of many political leaders suggests to me that motives are questionable and that there is no real connection to other human beings. People feel disenfranchised and excluded and their behaviours become primitive and all about survival. I just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time last year but I am beginning to be grateful for the time and space I have been afforded to develop my thinking and just be. I have hated the silence and that because I was so public about my career change that I have had to be very careful about what I say on a public forum but I have had some wonderful support from a select few. They know who they are and I will forever be thankful that I have been able to pause in my life and notice these connections and support systems.
I listened to my primary school friend on Radio 4 this week and cried all the way through – our paths diverged in 1972 thanks to the 11+ I went to one school and Hazel went to another – I have never seen her properly since although we lived a street away from each other. The trope of my life has been to move on and not look back – it hasn’t served me well and 2015 gave me the chance to stop that habit. I have taken the opportunity to do some hard digging and excavate below the layers of survival I created for myself when I left home in 1979 to be a student nurse. I hope that it can help move me forward in a more sustainable way and also that sharing this journey can help others.