Letting go

I am tired of thinking about what happened to me and unfairness of the experience. I now know what it feels like to be deliberately  misrepresented and misunderstood. I was at the mercy of malevolent forces that I just don’t understand – I am  trying to develop an insight into the machinations and motivations of narcissists and sociopaths but it is such a long way from my frame of reference I have found it difficult to find a way into the mind set. I am using crime novels as my starting point – that genre has always been my favourite reading – since I was a teenager reading Agatha Christie, George Simenon and Dorothy L Sayers. I feel like I am at an important junction in my recent journey. Leaving behind events and people I can do nothing about – the opportunity for reparation and restorative justice is not within the capability or capacity of where I worked. Not many places are mature and sophisticated enough to cope with conflict and fractured relationships. The default approach is to ignore it, hope they will go away and erase incidents and messiness from the organisational story. It isn’t nice to be erased and forgotten but I am grateful for that now – I have learned so much about myself and where my values lie – instead of it being an intellectual exercise it becomes an embodied and lived experience. You can’t fake that and I intend to take that learning forward – not sure how, where or with whom but it’s an important point in the journey. I have returned to do some lecturing today and realise I can still perform. I also spent an amazing day in Sheffield with a wonderful human being talking about an arts based project with academics. It was an invigorating and erudite day but for now it has left me a little depleted and I need to find sources of nourishment over the next few days. 

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