I’m not so sure why I am blogging anymore. The original intention was a therapeutic one with a way of processing my own thoughts and feelings as I navigated a tricky time. I am now much more conscious that folk might read my stuff and that has made me clam up. Paralysis by analysis is now an ever present companion and I am worried about what people might think… I have entered the world of work and am commuting to London. It’s exhausting and I find myself wondering whether it’s worth it. Within a weeks of getting my “dream job” I am becoming attached to messages about why it won’t work. With mindfulness and attention I am learning that this is a hard wired response. I am used to discounting my achievements and expertise and it really isn’t very helpful.
One of the explorations I have had is about self compassion and how important it is to be less judgemental and critical of oneself. Give oneself some slack and realise that some days will be energetic and productive and then other days might be about fallow time…time to take stock and recharge. I am addicted to doing and don’t value being ..that realisation this morning has really helped. I have got 50+ years of noting the messages about helping and that doing is what it’s all about. No wonder I find myself giving myself a hard time about writing and reading. I also associate the wring time to my failure as a PhD student and if I am kinder about that then I wasn’t at fault. I wasn’t supported and competition and misunderstandings contributed to that particularly unfortunate experience.
Letting go of particular ways of thinking about things is beginning to be liberating and as I find myself working with folk I respect and admire then maybe I can avoid the negativity that has cast a shadow over my achievements for far too long. It’s not too late to review and recast one’s role in life. Starting a new job in winter isn’t the optimum way to get back into the work groove but if I continue to be kind and curious then maybe I can cope with travelling, expectations and finding a role that’s congruent with my values and beliefs.