I have had a tough lesson this week about the flawed decisions I made when I was vulnerable and angry back in September 2015. Leaving full-time employment wasn’t an act of bravado or a realisation of a long held dream BUT a necessity. I was being bullied and a toxic environment was eroding my well-being. I left work for self employment and freelancing because I had to – I became unemployable and lacked self belief and direction.I have subsequently learnt that I am not very good at self-promotion and pushing a business to an unsuspecting world. I have not found the oomph!!! to forge a success out there and I look back at those early days and I realise I was fuelled by a delusion based on thinking that some folk would want me to thrive and establish contacts. I have an expectation that people are generous and kind and that I would be helped in developing a network and they’d help me to go forth and flourish – that hasn’t been my experience but I am learning from adversity that I can be better at bouncing back if I don’t let emotions define me but teach me patterns of behaviour etc.
I am looking forward now to working with new people and that my responses to challenges are now less long term in their impact. Thanks to noticing my emotional responses and not judging them I am bouncing back quicker and not beating myself up about mistakes and mishaps. I feel encouraged and energised and I am getting ready for new purpose and meaning. I have been hiding in the back of my cave for quite a while but I am nearly ready to come out and my need for activism is stirring – I now recognise how bad I was feeling and can now appreciate the distance travelled and just how much I have recovered.
I know I cannot be a passive observer of the world of health care and the varying degrees of suffering within it and I know I need to develop a project that helps folk through facilitating learning. I am gaining clarity about that and my focus is become clearer in relation to thresholds, liminal spaces and navigating the terrain. I am finding that writing regularly and reading more deeply is helping me work alongside my imposter syndrome and recognise the inhibition, the fear and the stumbles. Through kindness and curiosity I am finding a more sustainable approach and building my resilience and resourcefulness.